Mess, Coffee, and 31 Days of No Sleep.

I think I am going to rename my blog. 

I think I am going to turn it into a study of what happens as one survives life on no sleep. 

No sleep.  No sleep.

It is fitting that I begin this blog at 1:57am. 

What day is today?  I have no idea.  At this point I am losing sight of what Month it is. 

I believe the running total of hours of sleep is about 9 or 10 for the past four days.

I had the most beautiful dream in the 45 min I have slept so far tonight.

I dreamt that it was 8 am.

I was warm and fuzzy, comfy in my pull out bed/chair in the hospital room.  I opened my eyes and it was morning.  I had slept for eight solid hours. the breakfast tray was here.  

It turns out when my bleary eyes finally focused on the clock that it was in fact only 12:30.

It was one of those dreams you want to get back to sleep to catch the moment again even if it isn't real.

...........

!

Sunny Side Up

     You come through the doors to see a brightly coloured fish tank and balloons.  The attendants are cheerful and friendly.  They have Dora and Bob the builder.  There are cool animals on the walls.  They have Playstation and Wii.   The TV streams Disney's Cars on repeat!  There is a library and a toy play room.  There are wagons and riding cars.  There is endless ice cream.  There is a play therapist.  How much fun would that job be?!  All day long you get to help kids play in a colourful and bright environment. 
     I thought to myself that the pediatric ward would be a very fun place to work.
     It being a fairly small ward built in a circle, the parents of other children become familiar.   There was one mom walking around with a two year old.  She had been pacing the halls with her little one for a while.  Each time I saw her there was a more strained look on her face.   I overheard the nurse say "I understand you are upset but I'm sure there is a good reason why we can't give her anything to eat."  The poor mom was desperate and in tears.  The poor child was crying as her parents grouped around trying to distract her.   TV, look at the toys, let's go play.  She was too hungry and her mother's heart was at it breaking point.  I am a bit teary myself.   Mama Bear in me wants to take the child, feed her, and do something mean back to that mean nurse!! **   
     There is a newborn with a cast type bandage to keep the IV in it's tiny, tiny arm.
     There are children who don't understand what is happening and are hurting and scared. 
     Alarms went off and nurses went flying to the bedside of a six year old little doll of a girl who was choking.  Suctioning her mouth and cleaning her up,  the poor little thing hardly cared what they did to her.
     Oh, this must be one of the hardest jobs around. 
     I respect the Pediatric staff.
** please note, I understand the nurse was following orders for the safety of the child (I should hope!!!) and that is my emotional reaction... I don't actually intend to hurt anyone. 

Sober

     I love to take pictures of weddings.  There is such joy.  Sometimes I have to gloss over some of the details and focus on the celebration of love.   But there are few things more beautiful than people in love.
 
     On the weekend lloyd and I were given the chance to take pictures for the most beautiful wedding.    There was a small cheap lattice work with plastic dollar store ivy stuck into it at odd angles in the corner.   There were two matching vases of flowers on the floor, the same flowers I saw that morning as 2/20$ at the nearest grocery store.  There were balloons to scantily hide the filthy tiny kitchen.  There was tulle and twinkle lights to add a soft glow to the harsh reality of it all.    There was a flurry of girlish excitement inside and the tense impatience outside.

     "The bride is ready for you to take pictures now"   We gathered our gear and timidly went inside.  There was the bride in her wheelchair holding on to the maid of honour with all her strength.  "I can't do it, it hurts too much."  The moms and bridesmaids were trying to remember when she had used up the last pump of morphine wondering how long till the machine would dispense a much needed next dose.

     We stood there catching each other's eyes.  How do we take pictures of such suffering.   Her girls are crying in the corner.   Are we going to make a spectacle of this poor, yellow, frail, and dying woman?  

    Her mother noticed our awkwardness and told us to go ahead.  So we did.  She was groaning in pain.  We didn't know where to start.    A few pictures of her veil from behind.   A picture of her hand clinging the maid of honour's hand for dear life.  I wondered if she would make it through the ceremony.    Maybe they should call it off?

     They decided to go ahead and get the wedding started.  The preacher was told that the short ceremony would have to be cut to the minimum and I moved out to let the family get close to her.  

     I wondered what the groom would see when he came in to see his bride.    Would he see the woman he once fell in love with or would he be broken by the contrast of her yellow skin stretching across her bones and her eyes drugged and out of it?  Would images of Miss Havisham be in his mind?
  
     With these thoughts I waited anxiously to watch him come in after all the guests had arrived.  (So much about this wedding was backwards)  He came around the corner with an unreadable expression.  Mostly embarrassed at everyone looking at him, I'm sure.  
    
     Unsatisfied, I turned to look back at her and some sort of miraculous transformation had happened.   As the preacher took up his notes and they took each other's hands, she was smiling the largest smile I have seen since I met her.   Her eyes were alert and she was full of contentment, happiness, and in that moment.... beauty.

     He was proud to have a wife and to be married to the mother of his two children.  She was proud to be married to a man strong enough to love her well enough to take her older two children after she passed away.  

     There was a quiet intimacy and a clinging to each other to the end.    There was a soft glow around them that was more than the tulle and twinkle lights could have made.
    
     There was joy.  


    

Around in time

    To give you an idea of the state of my house, my fingernails have bits of chipped blue nail polish left on them and my toenails have bits of chipped pink nail polish on them.  I was going to remove the pink nail polish and replace it with the pretty soft blue I bought recently.  I didn't get around to it.  
    I am amazed at the correlation between how much time and energy I have an how well I take care of everything.  I seem to be watching all the balls falling to the floor or throwing them all up at once.  I need to read the manual on juggling, but I believe the idea is to send the first up and then the next and then the next until they come around again; at which point in time it takes minimal effort to keep it going.    There is no mention of the proper way to juggle being to throw everything up and then watch it hit the ground.  Although that in its turn can be fun.   (see the youtube video of jello hitting the ground... it is actually quite beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4n5AfHYST6E )  
    The conclusion that I have come to is that I will give up trying to keep my house clean and myself beautiful and instead will concentrate more on being creative.  That is much more fun.  I made a lunch bag for school lunches out of an old pair of jeans and it is adorable.  I am rather proud of it.  I am almost finished a cable knit pair of mittens.  (I did begin them before a friends birthday six months ago!)  but I am also rather proud of how well they turned out.    It made me gleeful to make beautiful cupcakes out of little boxes and fabric and ribbon.  I love to make things.  
     I made an umbrella out of newspaper with the kids today.  It was very fun.  I wanted to dance around the house singing and I am sure I would have if it weren't for the mess in the way.....  
     So I will try to keep it clean enough to be able to dance and sing in the rain when I feel like it.  And my nails will stay tidy but oh so natural.  

The New Repellent Nail Polish

     So they have created this new nail polish that seem to actually try to repel itself away from your nails.  As you paint it on it is already working its magic.  It starts with a dent and then subliminally implants the idea that you need to clean your fridge.  You need to do it NOW! 


     Day 2 of my new 31 days...  I am already finding that cleaning and taking care of myself somehow seem to not be a great mix.   Maybe I need an extra cup of coffee today.
    
     I will have to rise up and try again.  There is a hockey game on tonight.  I plan to do my nails while I keep him company.  There is no better way to attract your husband's attention than the stench of nail polish remover wafting gently by.
     
     In watching and reading several classic stories of POW's during war time, I was always fascinated by the one who maintains a stiff, cleanly shaved upper lip.  The one who breaks the ice off the bucket to shave their face with the side of their spoon using the reflection from the nail of their bed.  The one who somehow manages to have their shirt magically ironed.  They are the ones who feel their very survival depends on maintaining control of at least their appearance.  I can tell you now, in those sort of circumstances I would definitely stop ironing!  


     In similar sorts of circumstances and under the same sort of lack of standards I have fallen upon desperate times.   I have given in to not caring... I am the one the group would have rallied around who gave up breathing simply because they gave up hope.    Fear not!  Under inspiring ideals,  with beautiful words of hope, I have renewed my strength and have begun again using capital letters!  Notice please that I capitalized every word of the heading!  I have also indented and created separate paragraphs for each separate idea.  Structure is nice. 


Now to read what my job is for today in hopes that I can somehow squish it in before bed.

New blog, new brains, no musch!

Coffee doesn't seem to be cutting it anymore.  I have found over the years that the more children I have and the less I use my brain, the more I seem to shut down as a rational and intelligent creature.   I was once such a creature.   I was well manicured.  I was well fed.  I was in good form.   Now I am a mash of musch.   No offence to those of you who may have that as a last name, but it seemed more expressive with the "c" in there.  It sounds better too.  Musch.  Say it out loud! Isn't it great!    So lately I have been taking care to cream my hands and feet.  I painted my fingernails.  It still counts even though it was at the request of my four year old girl!  I found a book called "31 Days to Clean" and found it quite motivating.  My fridge is as clean as it has been since the day the fridge delivery people twisted the little feet on the bottom of it to make the fridge stand up straight.  Simple little things to keep us from falling over... Maybe that could be the alternative title for this blog.  
I thought I would also start a blog for the purposes of exercising my brain.  I used to feel like I could be mildly entertaining in written word.  At least to myself and to my mom.  I also used to spell.. so you will get your name up in lights on this blog as a super good speller if you catch me in grammatical and spelling errors.  
(Obvious typing errors only get a pat on the back for the person who catches them and a sticky note on your forehead for being too much of a perfectionist).  
I think for the next little while I will chart my daily progress at getting  my house from overwhelmingly, chaotically, messy to a happy place that I can be proud to have people into.
Drop by to catch me in the act.
Simply because the the nature of a blog is to post self indulgent information... i will likely also post photos of my kids and anything else I find amusing.  
Here begins the first day of getting life in order.